개인 잡설 (Personal Ramblings)

 생각해 보니, 인간은 정말 트라우마와 뗄레야 뗄 수 없는 종족인 것 같다는 생각이 든다 (어쩌면 지구상에 다른 종들과 마찬지로)

As I delve further, I think human beings are the kinds of species that has a hard time becoming detached from this thing called Trauma. ..*And I meant the whole human species itself. (Perhaps on the same level as any other species across this planet)

 

예를 들어, 내가 엄마 뱃속에 있었을 시절 엄마가 아빠한테 맞았을 지도 모른다는 식의 불안감이라던가

For example, it's like that kind of frustration based on a suspicion that my mom might have been physically abused by my (biological) dad, that is when I was still inside her womb

 

아니면 커서 어른이 됐는데, 돈이라는 매개체에 대한 나를 비롯한 타인들의 보이지 않는 집착 내지는 집단 광기에 비슷한 감정에 시달리게 된다던가 

Or say that you've grown up to become an adult, you find yourself perpetually harassed by this innate sense of psychotic feeling regarding Money as a medium - that originates from within yourself as well as sensing similar sort of thing from random/anonymous population around you on daily basis.

 

아니면 사람들이 자꾸 날 찾아내는 바람에, 지구상 어디를 가든 불구 혹은 장애인 비하 비슷한 단어로 불릴 수도 있다. 혹은 어린 시절부터 비만을 비롯한 성 조숙증에 걸리는 바람에,  또래 이성들로부터 성별 기반/성차별 폭력의 역사를 지니게 되었을 수도.

Or it could be the fact that you keep being called 'cripple' in a indirect manner virtually any physical locales you try to move away into, b/c people somehow keep finding out about you. Or it could be the fact that you've had early-on sexual maturation while also going through GBV (gender-based violence) due to your large body mass while still being a minor.

 

아니면 한국인으로 태어나 한국에서 겪은 왕따가 너무 싫었던 나머지 일본인들과 친해지려 하는 방법을 택했는데, 역사는 되풀이한다는 말이 있듯이 근래에 일본에서 사기를 당하게 된다던가. ....정말 인간으로 태어나 비뚤어지거나 뭐 되는 방법만 해도 각양각색이라는 말 밖엔.

 Or you were born as a Korean, but you hated the bullying you went through in there. So somehow you choose to be on friendly terms with the Japanese instead... While as the saying goes how history repeats itself, you had been recently scammed from the latter. ......At this point one should acknowledge there are nearly infinite ways that a human being could end up screwing him/herself.

 

사람들은 그런 소리를 늘어놓는 본인을 보고는 그냥 웃어 넘기고 제 갈길 갈 것이다. 나도 사실 이 블로그의 주제를 잘 모르겠다. 어저께까지만 해도 특수교사를 장기 목표로 삼을까 살짝 고민하고 있었는데, 현실은 결국 나이든 사람들, 애엄마를 포함 여느 호텔리어와 다름없는 수준의 공격성을 내뿜는 아줌마들과 부대껴선 오로지 직장에서 잘 보이기 위해 경쟁하는 월급쟁이에 불과하니.

People will just laugh off at someone like me who'd be ranting about all these nonsense. I actually don't exactly know what's the point of all this blogging. Whereas I was considering pursuing a teaching career long term, that is for specific population including juveniles to disabled etc. While reality-wise, I have to compete with elders including old ladies to moms - who have even level of aggression as any other local hoteliers - just to be seen and recognized at my employer as a mere wage earner.

 

어저께까지 읽은 책 속 틱낫한 스님은 과거에 얽메이면 안된다고 누누히 경고하고 계셨다. 과연 내 속의 어린아이가 그런 충고를 잘 귀담아 들을 수 있을까? ...

In the book I was reading till yesterday night, Rev. Thich Nhat Hanh was definitely warning against being caught up with your own past history. I'm wondering at this point whether the child in me is willing to take that into account seriously. .....